Age 6

My grandma moved from her apartment to a house. a really old creepy house.......but, it was home. She got me a bb gun at the flea market (every Sunday, it happened 100 feet away from the house). I was super happy. I was sort of a trouble maker back then, and I went to the backyard and got tired of shooting soda cans. Well, there were a gang of birds......literally, a gang of birds. They had red bandannas on and were throwing up gang signs. jk, But , I started shooting at them. I couldn't hit shit. I got mad and threw the gun down. I got a rock and lobbed it at the birds, not really aiming. I killed one. I couldn't believe it. I felt super bad. I then went to the flea market, pretended to cry and told them it didn't work. got the money back. I then went to the liquor store and spent all my money on a bag of Frito's chips, airheads taffy and blow-pop rings..........then the rest went to the Simpsons arcade game.

Life lesson: killing things in the Simpsons game is wayyyyy more fun than killing things in real life

Where my teeth went

If you live in Castroville, or passed by it, you've seen the Catwalk. for those of you who never been, My friend Google Map has something to show you:
*click image to enlarge*

My cousin Abel and I decided to go down it with a skateboard and a bike. I let him use my Bike (they had training wheels) and I was on my knees on the skateboard. I was six, he was three, and we thought we were invincible! So, we go to the very top of it and we start rolling down. My board kept going sideways and we nearly ran into each other three times going downhill. Well, we forgot that a pole was down at the bottom of the catwalk.

So, we are going super fucking fast......I try to avoid it, but I ran into my cousin on the bike. He flies over his handlebars, I'm tumbling and bite the fucking curb. I get up, my mouth is bloody as fuck, and my teeth on the ground. He lost two teeth. Well, I lost four teeth that day. My two front teeth grew in right before Christmas (which my grandma said that was my only Christmas gift that year). My other two teeth (lateral incisors) never came in...and my Canines (cuspids) moved into their place.

Life lesson:
Don't be a badass at a young age. Cause all you get is your front teeth for Christmas the next year.

my cousin Abel

I have a cousin named Abel. We were super close. everything we did, we did together. Since I was older (by 3 years) I thought I was smarter. my grandma ALWAYS had change just laying around the house we lived at. Well. we went looking for all the change we could find. we literally had maybe $25 (like $3 were in quarters) in silver. Well, we said we'd split it up, and go to the lady down the street and buy some Mexican candy. We were stoked.

I am 3 years older than him and started school, so I thought I could pull a fast one on him. We start splitting up the quarters evenly, and then my plan was supposed to go into action. I thought the bigger the coin, the more they are worth. So I was like "Abel, take these dimes, and i'll take the nickels. they are worth the same". So we go and this motherfucker got so much candy, it was ridiculous. I was so pissed the whole walk back home. I tricked myself. I finished my candy within a couple hours, he had his for days. whatever. Fuck that guy. I'm still mad


Life lesson:
Don't have a cousin named Abel, cause he'll be a gay, and eat candy in your face. and...... I guess, don't try to trick other people, cause it backfires.

Can you blame me for hating school?

In First Grade, we had to stand up and tell our name and what we wanted to be when we grew up. Everyone that went said either doctor, policeman, lawyer, you know, the usual. I thought I was gonna be different, and I was gonna say Fireman. Well, when it was my turn I got nervous and I fucked it up:

"Hi, my name is Christopher, and when I grow up, I wanna be a fire truck."

the laughs came from everywhere, I cried and ran home ( I lived a block away). My grandma opened the door and caught me eating my fourth bowl of Fruity Pebbles and watching Tale Spin. I told her, and she took me back to school.

Life lesson:

Time Management. If I would've only ate three bowls of Fruity Pebbles, and bailed after Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers...... I would've gotten away, easily.

When my dad was in my childhood

He would try to make me as macho as possible. Whenever he'd visit, he would try to make me a man. I remember shaving with him. he bought me this fake razor, and we'd got to the mirror early in the morning, and put shaving cream on our faces and shave ( I was 3). He thought since he made me, I was his, he could do whatever he pleased. He broke my grandma's heart. I remember my grandma crying cause he took to cut of my curls (I had blond curly hair, and often be mistaken for a girl). He told me the last straw was when a woman came up to play with me and told him "what a gorgeous girl, she should do commercials!". within half an hour they were gone. My grandma used to put me in baby pageants, and I would win these with ease (my grandma has them to this day). I never won after that she said. I never grew my curls back.

Life lesson:
Have curls at a young age = get the milfs

Ran over at age 3

Now, I remember this like yesterday. Its ridiculous.

My mom took me from my grandma's house, just for the weekend (she lived with some dude) . I head to my friend Jose's house early in the morning. He lived across the street. I would wave to him from the kitchen window. Well, we watched cartoons for a bit. I was getting hungry, so I left his house. There was a truck coming maybe 50 feet ahead, but there was a stop sign, so I had no worries. I started walking across the street, the truck runs the stop sign and runs me over......like, under the tires.......not hit.......ran over!

Thank you Google Map. Drawing by me
This is the actual street.

I was in the street crying. within 2 minutes (from where my moms guy lived, the fire department was on the same block). I get picked up by a firefighter, and I'm taken to the hospital (in the city of Castroville, its small) and they say nothing is broken. I just have tire marks all over my body.

The police report says he was going 50 mph in a residential , and ran the stop sign. Also, he driver was drinking until the early morning, then was driving home. My dad told me that was the turning point in his life. when the doctor turned to him and said "Your child should be dead. He shouldn't have survived at all. We would have given him less than 5% chance of surviving. Someone is watching after him."

That last line turned my dad's life around. He then went to church every weekend.Stopped selling drugs, and he is now a pastor. After I got out of the hospital, I went to the fire stationed and thanked them. They made me a Junior Firefighter (they just made it up). Whenever I'd visit my mom at the guys house, I'd go to the fire station and they would help with my homework, eat Nilla Wafers and milk with the boys. From then on I never wanted to be anything else in life.

Life Lesson:
Fuck the fire academy. Get ran over, and you'll move up in rank at the fire station.

I have a lot of memories

This is about my childhood memories. I have a lot of them. they come to mind, from time to time. Some say I have had a rough childhood, being that nobody wanted me. My mother was a drug user, my father was her drug dealer. My father would visit once every blue moon. But for the most part, I lived with my grandmother and grandfather. I was a kid and I didn't know what to think. All I know is I miss those days......I'd give anything to go back to the way things were. I didn't have a care in the world. All I needed was my bike (with training wheels) and my bag full of marbles during the day,and my favorite blanket and my teddy bear at night, and I was set. Life was good.



I'll be throwing down life lessons, so kids can learn from my mistakes. You're welcome.