Wednesday, December 17, 2008


Hands down, my favorite sport. Dodgers are my baseball team, and its always been that way. I did not play in high school, although I wish I did. Heres the reason;

Little League age 7

It was our first game. I was super excited. I was the first batter up in the 2nd inning. I step up, and I hit the first pitch they threw. wayyyyy into right. Now I'm so nervous, I run to first and everyone tells me to go to 2nd base. I get there and everyone is still yelling at me. I have no idea why, but I got confused,so I just ran back to first base. everyone was pissed I started crying and I ran to the car never to see the field again.

Everytime I thought about joining a team, I would be hesitant because of what happened. Sure, I'd pick up on many neighborhood pick up baseball games, but I would never try out for a team. As much as I wanted to become a baseball player for the Dodgers, I would never overcome my fear of trying out. I hit the batting cages every now and then, but it just isn't the same.

Friday, December 12, 2008


This next post can get me in trouble, if my grandma ever found out how to turn on her computer.

So I was Three or Four when this happened. I went to the strawberry fields with my grandma (she was the manager). Everyone was Mexican, and at the time, thats all I knew how to speak. The workers brought a ice chest full of honeycomb with a bunch of bees on it (actual honeycomb, not the cereal). I wanted a piece, so I asked the worker Javier to get me one. He tells me the bees don't sting. I go and get one and get stung twice. He started laughing at me as I cried for my grandma. My grandma got me ice, and left back to work. Well, I needed to get Javier back. That motherfucker set me up to get stung. I ran to my grandma's 67 ford mustang, put it in neutral and hopped out and watched it roll down the hill heading for a ditch. I run over to my grandma and tell her I saw Javier near her car. she sees the car in the ditch. I tell her it was Javier. Walked up to his ass, and fires him on the spot. He got teary eyed and I started laughing.

Life Lesson: Whitey always wins.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

WWF Champion loses in a Royal Rumble against 1,000,000 ants

Around 5 or 6 my dad came back into my life, it was interesting. I lived at his place near Fresno, California, which was lame,cause of the heat. Well, there was one thing that made me love it, my Grandpa Bo. This guy was amazing and would do anything for anybody. Just a Genuine guy with a big heart. He spoiled me, even when he couldn't. One time he bought a Ninja Turtle ice cream (Leonardo) with 100 pennies. The ice cream man was pissed as he jingled away down the block. About a week after that, my dad and grandpa took me to my first WWF show. It was amazing to see my favorite wrestler, the Ultimate Warrior. I was a huge Ultimate Warrior superfan. My dad bought me a WWF Champion belt I wore it everywhere.

One day I was eating a ninja turtle ice cream on top of the mailbox out in the front lawn, with my belt on. I see a girl down the street that babysat me a couple times I was down there. She was with her boyfriend. I really liked her. I was trying to play it cool, and maybe win her over by calling out her boyfriend saying I'm the WWF Champion. Well, as I was talking my smack, ants were climbing on my legs. I guess the mailbox was on a anthill and when i climbed on the mailbox, they followed me and crawled on my leg. My babysitter and her boyfriend start laughing at me and I notice soooo many ants on me and I start crying hysterically. My grandpa comes comes out and saves me. He starts rolling me around on the grass (which didn't help cause I was rolling on the ant hill) and he takes me to the bathroom puts me in bathtub with all my clothes ( he took my WWF belt off though) and starts running the water as I'm crying.

Thirty Minutes later, I'm sitting on the couch thinking about how stupid I looked to my babysitter. I have all these red spots on me cause of the ants biting me. and my grandpa hands me my belt and says "Well,you are the champion. you're the one alive, they are all dead!"

I miss that guy.

Life Lesson: If you're gonna talk shit to your babysitters' boyfriend, make sure he isn't friends with a million ants....he will win.

Also, if you're gonna be the WWF Champion, be sure you have a great tag team partner on your side......I did.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I remember being six

Hanging out with my cousin Abel and a couple kids from my street. My grandma lived on one side of the catwalk, and on the other side (the bad part of town) was my aunt and cousins house. Now my cousins dad was a main guy in a gang related family. I was brought up in this lifestyle. Back then, you didn't see any downsides in being in a gang. Its just always people hangingout together, non stop bbq's. Well, I remember Abel and I saw some gangster movies with those dudes, and we wanted to be like them. So we had it planned out, when my grandma and aunt came through the door, we would be pretending to do drugs (we had paper rolled up like joints behind our ears, and sugar lined up). Well, they walked in and I quickly started "awww, this cocaine is soooo good" and Abel grabbed his joint from his ear "oh, this weed is making me high" and within two minutes we were crying cause they hit us soooo hard. as they were hitting us, they were saying "you think its fun to do drugs?". After getting whipped with the belt, red marks on my ass and my arm fro trying to block the whippings on my ass. We figured to just be gangsters that don't do drugs. To this day, Abel and I dont do drugs.

* I'm on the top in the brown bandanna, Abel in the Red bandanna on the corner*

Del Monte Avenue is one of the roughest streets in that small town to this day. it was harder back then.

Life Lesson for parents: when your kid pretends to do drugs. whip the shit out of him/her. They won't touch that shit in fear of the belt hitting his/her ass.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Age 6

My grandma moved from her apartment to a house. a really old creepy house.......but, it was home. She got me a bb gun at the flea market (every Sunday, it happened 100 feet away from the house). I was super happy. I was sort of a trouble maker back then, and I went to the backyard and got tired of shooting soda cans. Well, there were a gang of birds......literally, a gang of birds. They had red bandannas on and were throwing up gang signs. jk, But , I started shooting at them. I couldn't hit shit. I got mad and threw the gun down. I got a rock and lobbed it at the birds, not really aiming. I killed one. I couldn't believe it. I felt super bad. I then went to the flea market, pretended to cry and told them it didn't work. got the money back. I then went to the liquor store and spent all my money on a bag of Frito's chips, airheads taffy and blow-pop rings..........then the rest went to the Simpsons arcade game.

Life lesson: killing things in the Simpsons game is wayyyyy more fun than killing things in real life

Monday, November 24, 2008

Where my teeth went

If you live in Castroville, or passed by it, you've seen the Catwalk. for those of you who never been, My friend Google Map has something to show you:
*click image to enlarge*

My cousin Abel and I decided to go down it with a skateboard and a bike. I let him use my Bike (they had training wheels) and I was on my knees on the skateboard. I was six, he was three, and we thought we were invincible! So, we go to the very top of it and we start rolling down. My board kept going sideways and we nearly ran into each other three times going downhill. Well, we forgot that a pole was down at the bottom of the catwalk.

So, we are going super fucking fast......I try to avoid it, but I ran into my cousin on the bike. He flies over his handlebars, I'm tumbling and bite the fucking curb. I get up, my mouth is bloody as fuck, and my teeth on the ground. He lost two teeth. Well, I lost four teeth that day. My two front teeth grew in right before Christmas (which my grandma said that was my only Christmas gift that year). My other two teeth (lateral incisors) never came in...and my Canines (cuspids) moved into their place.

Life lesson:
Don't be a badass at a young age. Cause all you get is your front teeth for Christmas the next year.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

my cousin Abel

I have a cousin named Abel. We were super close. everything we did, we did together. Since I was older (by 3 years) I thought I was smarter. my grandma ALWAYS had change just laying around the house we lived at. Well. we went looking for all the change we could find. we literally had maybe $25 (like $3 were in quarters) in silver. Well, we said we'd split it up, and go to the lady down the street and buy some Mexican candy. We were stoked.

I am 3 years older than him and started school, so I thought I could pull a fast one on him. We start splitting up the quarters evenly, and then my plan was supposed to go into action. I thought the bigger the coin, the more they are worth. So I was like "Abel, take these dimes, and i'll take the nickels. they are worth the same". So we go and this motherfucker got so much candy, it was ridiculous. I was so pissed the whole walk back home. I tricked myself. I finished my candy within a couple hours, he had his for days. whatever. Fuck that guy. I'm still mad

Life lesson:
Don't have a cousin named Abel, cause he'll be a gay, and eat candy in your face. and...... I guess, don't try to trick other people, cause it backfires.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Can you blame me for hating school?

In First Grade, we had to stand up and tell our name and what we wanted to be when we grew up. Everyone that went said either doctor, policeman, lawyer, you know, the usual. I thought I was gonna be different, and I was gonna say Fireman. Well, when it was my turn I got nervous and I fucked it up:

"Hi, my name is Christopher, and when I grow up, I wanna be a fire truck."

the laughs came from everywhere, I cried and ran home ( I lived a block away). My grandma opened the door and caught me eating my fourth bowl of Fruity Pebbles and watching Tale Spin. I told her, and she took me back to school.

Life lesson:

Time Management. If I would've only ate three bowls of Fruity Pebbles, and bailed after Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers...... I would've gotten away, easily.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

When my dad was in my childhood

He would try to make me as macho as possible. Whenever he'd visit, he would try to make me a man. I remember shaving with him. he bought me this fake razor, and we'd got to the mirror early in the morning, and put shaving cream on our faces and shave ( I was 3). He thought since he made me, I was his, he could do whatever he pleased. He broke my grandma's heart. I remember my grandma crying cause he took to cut of my curls (I had blond curly hair, and often be mistaken for a girl). He told me the last straw was when a woman came up to play with me and told him "what a gorgeous girl, she should do commercials!". within half an hour they were gone. My grandma used to put me in baby pageants, and I would win these with ease (my grandma has them to this day). I never won after that she said. I never grew my curls back.

Life lesson:
Have curls at a young age = get the milfs

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Ran over at age 3

Now, I remember this like yesterday. Its ridiculous.

My mom took me from my grandma's house, just for the weekend (she lived with some dude) . I head to my friend Jose's house early in the morning. He lived across the street. I would wave to him from the kitchen window. Well, we watched cartoons for a bit. I was getting hungry, so I left his house. There was a truck coming maybe 50 feet ahead, but there was a stop sign, so I had no worries. I started walking across the street, the truck runs the stop sign and runs me, under the tires.......not hit.......ran over!

Thank you Google Map. Drawing by me
This is the actual street.

I was in the street crying. within 2 minutes (from where my moms guy lived, the fire department was on the same block). I get picked up by a firefighter, and I'm taken to the hospital (in the city of Castroville, its small) and they say nothing is broken. I just have tire marks all over my body.

The police report says he was going 50 mph in a residential , and ran the stop sign. Also, he driver was drinking until the early morning, then was driving home. My dad told me that was the turning point in his life. when the doctor turned to him and said "Your child should be dead. He shouldn't have survived at all. We would have given him less than 5% chance of surviving. Someone is watching after him."

That last line turned my dad's life around. He then went to church every weekend.Stopped selling drugs, and he is now a pastor. After I got out of the hospital, I went to the fire stationed and thanked them. They made me a Junior Firefighter (they just made it up). Whenever I'd visit my mom at the guys house, I'd go to the fire station and they would help with my homework, eat Nilla Wafers and milk with the boys. From then on I never wanted to be anything else in life.

Life Lesson:
Fuck the fire academy. Get ran over, and you'll move up in rank at the fire station.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

I have a lot of memories

This is about my childhood memories. I have a lot of them. they come to mind, from time to time. Some say I have had a rough childhood, being that nobody wanted me. My mother was a drug user, my father was her drug dealer. My father would visit once every blue moon. But for the most part, I lived with my grandmother and grandfather. I was a kid and I didn't know what to think. All I know is I miss those days......I'd give anything to go back to the way things were. I didn't have a care in the world. All I needed was my bike (with training wheels) and my bag full of marbles during the day,and my favorite blanket and my teddy bear at night, and I was set. Life was good.

I'll be throwing down life lessons, so kids can learn from my mistakes. You're welcome.